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- I'll deliver the message personally, sir. - Thank you.

Oh, Stu!

I hope you like it.

It's gorgeous! Thank you!

Did I miss anything?

Well, yes. Look. This is the gift that Stu gave me for my birthday.

- Isn't it gorgeous! - Is it real?

It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire.

You can either wear that or feed a small country. That's so nice. So decadent.

Mommy, I need to go.

- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her? - No. You.

- She wants you, dear. - Well, I'll be right back.

OK.

Yes, well...

Children, look at that lovely dessert tray over there.

Why don't you go over and pick what you'd like now so they could reserve it?

- We'll be back. - All right.

That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

A fella gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?

Bit of a going-down payment, huh?

- Excuse me? - You know, dear. Sink the sub.

Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?

Bit of the old humpty dumpty?

- Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo?

- I hope you're up for a little competition. - I beg your pardon?

She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her personal jackhammer.

She uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.

Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

I hope you bring cocktail sauce.

She's got crabs. And I don't mean Dungeness.

I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?

Forgive me.

It's the wine. Oh, gosh!

Be back in a flash. All right? My tiny bladder.

- Mrs Doubtfire! - What?!

- You're going into the men's room. - No! Oh, so it is!

I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!

Hello!

Jesus! God!

- Excuse me. May I have a menu? - Of course.

- What's France like? - Very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- Mr Lundy. - Oh, hi.

- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message? - Yes. Sit down.

- How about a drink? - Sure. I'll have what he's having.

Double Chivas on the rocks.

Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.

- A Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy! - Gentlemen, start your engines.

- OK, everybody. Are we ready to order? - Yes, I believe we are. Children, fire away.

Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?

Yes.

- How are we doin' over here? - No, no.

Oh, yes.

Now...

What can you do to help the ratings on the kid show?

Bottom line: Don't patronize kids. They're little people.

You gotta personalize it. Make it fun. If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it.

- That's what I'm interested in. - Bingo!

Well, I wonder what's happened to Mrs Doubtfire.

- We could cross over to the news. - Would you excuse me for a moment?

But...

- May I help you, ma'am? - Yes, dear. Thank you very much.

- Oh, my goodness! - I'm so sorry! It's my fault.

- Forgive me. Excuse me. - I'm all right. There we go.

Thank you. Oh, let's see here!

- May I take your order, ma'am? - Oh, yes.

Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.

- And you, sir? - I'll have the jambalaya.

- Make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper. - Certainly, sir.

Thank you. Cheers. Your health.

Oh, my God.

So sorry about that. Just one moment.

Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.

Let me assist you.

A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.

Wait. There. Make a pincer.

Come at it from both sides. Together - up.

Thank you. There it is.

Just shake them off, like a dog.

Sorry. Oh, forgive me.

- That's all right. - Sorry about my spray.

I'll be right back. I just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive.

- Tell him to pur閑 the salmon, if you will. - Pur閑 the salmon.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

Oh, that one.

Oh. I didn't know there was someone else in here. Sorry.

Damn it! Oh, there it is.

Excuse me.

Where the hell have you been? I ordered you another Scotch.

Bully!

Daniel?

Are you wearing ladies' perfume?

Yes, I am.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah.

Why?

- It rubbed off. - From whom?

A girl I used to date. She's a waitress.

- A waitress? Here? - Oh, yeah.

On the way to the bathroom... Couldn't keep her hands off me.

- You dog! - You scallywag!

I got the stretch outside. Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?

- Hey, it's the '90s. - No, no! I mean...

Does she have a lady friend for me?

- Go ahead. Ask her. - I'll go ask her.

Go on. Come on, go get 'em!

Hey, Dan!

I need my order for table 39!

- Relax. I'll be out in a minute. - Thank you! Great.

39.

Table 39!

Hot jambalaya!

- Can I help you, ma'am? - Sorry I'm late.

But after all those Scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.

- Daniel? - Yeah.

Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?!

Oh, damn.

Well...

I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.

Host?

Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.

Surprise!

Oh, thank you very much.

- This looks terrific. - Where's Mrs Doubtfire?

Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.

- Shall we start? - Yes. Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.

Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire be a good host?

I'm a hip old granny who could hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,

and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Stu?

Oh, he's choking. He's choking!

Help us! Somebody help! He's choking! Help us!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

- He's choking here! Call 911! - Oh, no. I killed the bastard.

- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking! - Help is on the way, dear!

- Mrs Doubtfire! - Help is on the way!

- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking! - Hold on, dear.

One more time, dear. Work with me!

Come on!

I'm all right.

- Are you all right? - Yes.

Almost lost ya.

- Dad. - Oh, my...

Daddy?

Yeah, honey. It's me.

Happy birthday.

Daniel...

Daniel! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The whole time...

- The whole time?! - I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?

Don't talk to me! Don't touch me!

I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave!

We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.

- You guys go. - I'm sorry, Dad.

Bye.

Sorry about the pepper. I was...

What are you lookin' at? Show's over.

Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?

Nothing further, Your Honor.

Mr Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney,

you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.

Your Honor, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, refurbished it

and made it "an environment fit for children". Those are your words.

I'm also holding down ajob as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements.

Ahead of schedule.

In regards to my behavior,

I can only plead insanity.

Because, ever since my children were born,

the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them.

Once I held them, I was hooked.

I'm addicted to my children, sir.

I love them with all my heart.

And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...

It's like someone saying I can't have air.

I can't live without air, and I can't live without them.

Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir.

We have a history.

And I just... They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them.

So, please.

Don't take my kids away from me.

Thank you.

Mr Hillard...

You've been able to fool a lot of people into believing that you're a 60-year-old woman.

No easy task.

And your little speech seemed to be very heartfelt and genuine.

But I believe it to be a terrific performance by a very gifted actor. Nothing more.

- No. It's not that. - The reality, Mr Hillard,

is that your lifestyle over the past month has been very unorthodox.

And I refuse to further subject three innocent children

to your peculiar and potentially harmful behavior.

It is this court's decision to award full custody to Mrs Hillard.

Oh, God, no.

You will have supervised visitation rights every Saturday.

Supervised, sir?

A court liaison will accompany you when you spend time with the children.

I am suggesting a period of psychological testing and perhaps treatment for you.

We will re-examine this case one year from now.

Thank you. Court is adjourned.

I don't do laundry. I don't do windows. I don't do carpets.

I don't do bathtubs. I don't do toilets. And I don't do diapers.

My children have been potty-trained for some time.

Well, I don't do washing. I don't do basements.

I don't do dinners. I don't do reading.

Yes. Well, we have your number. Thank you so much for coming.

- We'll be getting back to you. - Thank you.

I'll show you to the door.

Yes, here we are. Please...

Laura, that shipment has been delayed three times.

Yes, but...

Laura, I'm not gonna wait another six months for it.

You do that. Call me back.

Oh, guys, please don't be so depressed.

Everything's gonna be all right.

- I miss her spaghetti. - I miss herjokes.

I miss her stories.

Don't worry. We will find someone. There are plenty of people out there.

Nobody like her.

All right. I admit things were a lot nicer when she was around.

The house was so warm and cosy, the beds were always made, and the dinner was...

She isn't real! We have to stop referring to her as if she were a real person.

Hello, my dears!

We have a wonderful show today.

We have Mr Van Zandt from the Sierra Club,

and he's going to bring some animals that are endangered species.

- Do you know what that means, poppets? - Did you say "puppet"?

Oh, no, dear! It's Kovacs! Welcome, Kovacs!

Hi, guys. Did you say "extinction"? Does something stink?

It's not something smelling bad. Extinction means there's no more of a particular animal.

- Oh, my God. - Doesn't that make you a little mad?

- Very mad! - Tell people about it.

I'm mad! You know why? Because next, it's the chimps! There are fewer chimps...

Doesn't it make you mad that humans play your parts in movies?

Ooh! "Planet of the Apes": Who gets the role? Roddy McDowall! I'd be better than that!

- I'd be better than Charlton Heston! - And your rug is better, too.

You could fly to Persia on that rug.

- Shall we tell them where we'll be tomorrow? - Yeah. They wanna know.

Tomorrow, poppets, we're taking a wonderful trip.

But you don't have to pack because we're going in our mind.

We're going across the Atlantic Ocean to England, where I came from.

- You came from England? - It's a wonderful country.

- Do you know about England? - It's an island.

It's an island, dear. A glorious one.

- They have a queen and a royal family. - Oh! Just like a poker game!

- It's a full house. - Some cards don't live at home any more.

Thanks to mobile phones.

Do you know what language they speak in England?

- Pakistani? - That's right. In many stores they do.

But we'll get into that tomorrow, boys and girls.

- You owe me a kiss, Kovacs. - I'm gonna give you two.

- All right, dear. - Here's one on the cheek.

- And here's a monkey bite! - Oh, you wicked, wicked monkey!

Well, that's all for today. Bye-bye.

Cut!

That's a wrap, folks! Thank you very much.

We're a smash! Number one in our time slot!

Yes! Calls from Detroit, Cleveland, Chicago, Los Angeles...

- All with offers to syndicate. - Hollywood!

Daniel?

Yes?

- Miranda. - Could I talk to you?

Yeah.

I'll be right out. Just wait here.

Welcome to Euphegenia's house.

A little draughty but... you know. It's nice.

What can I do for you?

First of all, congratulations on the show.

Thanks. You got to see the dress rehearsal.

We've... The kids...

We've been watching every day.

It's nice to know they can see me every day.

Look, Daniel. I know it's gonna take a long time to get over all the fights and

all the horrible things we said to each other.

It's... It's so hard.