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I found the best way to keep from smoking again is to be around those who do smoke.

I have to randomly ingestjust a little bit of nicotine and it steels my wool.

And I know you're Mr Health. Bless you for putting yourself in harm's way.

- Smoking. - All right. Table 39.

- Follow me, please. - 39! My age! You're a saint.

Thank you very much for humoring an old lady.

- He's pissed already. - Mrs Doubtfire?

- Would you like to join us? - Oh. I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.

That would make my day! He is such a stud-muffin.

Will you excuse me, dear? I have to check my wrap.

- I can do it for you. - Oh, no, please. I'm quite capable of...

All right, dear. There you go.

- Oh, and your bag too, ma'am. - Drop it!

Oh, I'm very sorry, dear. It's my medicine.

- I have to go take my medicine now. - We have water at the table.

I can't take it orally, dear. I'll be right back.

- Would you like something to drink? - Oh, yes. A good stiff Chardonnay.

I like 'em light and woody.

- Hello. Bridges Restaurant. May I help you? - Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.

Mr Lundy is expecting me for dinner. Will you tell him I'm running late, but I'm on my way?

- I'll deliver the message personally, sir. - Thank you.

Oh, Stu!

I hope you like it.

It's gorgeous! Thank you!

Did I miss anything?

Well, yes. Look. This is the gift that Stu gave me for my birthday.

- Isn't it gorgeous! - Is it real?

It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire.

You can either wear that or feed a small country. That's so nice. So decadent.

Mommy, I need to go.

- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her? - No. You.

- She wants you, dear. - Well, I'll be right back.

OK.

Yes, well...

Children, look at that lovely dessert tray over there.

Why don't you go over and pick what you'd like now so they could reserve it?

- We'll be back. - All right.

That's a pretty impressive bauble you got her.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

A fella gives a gift like that, he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?

Bit of a going-down payment, huh?

- Excuse me? - You know, dear. Sink the sub.

Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?

Bit of the old humpty dumpty?

- Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo?

- I hope you're up for a little competition. - I beg your pardon?

She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her personal jackhammer.

She uses it and the lights dim. It's like a prison movie.

Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

I hope you bring cocktail sauce.

She's got crabs. And I don't mean Dungeness.

I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?

Forgive me.

It's the wine. Oh, gosh!

Be back in a flash. All right? My tiny bladder.

- Mrs Doubtfire! - What?!

- You're going into the men's room. - No! Oh, so it is!

I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!

Hello!

Jesus! God!

- Excuse me. May I have a menu? - Of course.

- What's France like? - Very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- Mr Lundy. - Oh, hi.

- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message? - Yes. Sit down.

- How about a drink? - Sure. I'll have what he's having.

Double Chivas on the rocks.

Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.

- A Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy! - Gentlemen, start your engines.

- OK, everybody. Are we ready to order? - Yes, I believe we are. Children, fire away.

Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?

Yes.

- How are we doin' over here? - No, no.

Oh, yes.

Now...

What can you do to help the ratings on the kid show?

Bottom line: Don't patronize kids. They're little people.

You gotta personalize it. Make it fun. If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it.

- That's what I'm interested in. - Bingo!

Well, I wonder what's happened to Mrs Doubtfire.

- We could cross over to the news. - Would you excuse me for a moment?

But...

- May I help you, ma'am? - Yes, dear. Thank you very much.

- Oh, my goodness! - I'm so sorry! It's my fault.

- Forgive me. Excuse me. - I'm all right. There we go.

Thank you. Oh, let's see here!

- May I take your order, ma'am? - Oh, yes.

Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.

- And you, sir? - I'll have the jambalaya.

- Make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper. - Certainly, sir.

Thank you. Cheers. Your health.

Oh, my God.

So sorry about that. Just one moment.

Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.

Let me assist you.

A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.

Wait. There. Make a pincer.

Come at it from both sides. Together - up.

Thank you. There it is.

Just shake them off, like a dog.

Sorry. Oh, forgive me.

- That's all right. - Sorry about my spray.

I'll be right back. I just have to re-attach them with a little adhesive.

- Tell him to pur閑 the salmon, if you will. - Pur閑 the salmon.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

Oh, that one.

Oh. I didn't know there was someone else in here. Sorry.

Damn it! Oh, there it is.

Excuse me.

Where the hell have you been? I ordered you another Scotch.

Bully!

Daniel?

Are you wearing ladies' perfume?

Yes, I am.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah.

Why?

- It rubbed off. - From whom?

A girl I used to date. She's a waitress.

- A waitress? Here? - Oh, yeah.

On the way to the bathroom... Couldn't keep her hands off me.

- You dog! - You scallywag!

I got the stretch outside. Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?

- Hey, it's the '90s. - No, no! I mean...

Does she have a lady friend for me?

- Go ahead. Ask her. - I'll go ask her.

Go on. Come on, go get 'em!

Hey, Dan!

I need my order for table 39!

- Relax. I'll be out in a minute. - Thank you! Great.

39.

Table 39!

Hot jambalaya!

- Can I help you, ma'am? - Sorry I'm late.

But after all those Scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.

- Daniel? - Yeah.

Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?!

Oh, damn.

Well...

I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.

Host?

Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.

Surprise!

Oh, thank you very much.

- This looks terrific. - Where's Mrs Doubtfire?

Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.

- Shall we start? - Yes. Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.

Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire be a good host?

I'm a hip old granny who could hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,

and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Stu?

Oh, he's choking. He's choking!

Help us! Somebody help! He's choking! Help us!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

- He's choking here! Call 911! - Oh, no. I killed the bastard.

- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking! - Help is on the way, dear!

- Mrs Doubtfire! - Help is on the way!

- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking! - Hold on, dear.

One more time, dear. Work with me!

Come on!

I'm all right.

- Are you all right? - Yes.

Almost lost ya.

- Dad. - Oh, my...

Daddy?

Yeah, honey. It's me.

Happy birthday.

Daniel...

Daniel! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The whole time...

- The whole time?! - I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?

Don't talk to me! Don't touch me!

I have to go. We have to leave now. I have to leave!

We have to leave now! I have to go! We're going.

- You guys go. - I'm sorry, Dad.

Bye.

Sorry about the pepper. I was...

What are you lookin' at? Show's over.

Miss Robeson, do you have any closing remarks?

Nothing further, Your Honor.

Mr Hillard, since you've determined to act as your own attorney,

you are entitled to make a closing statement at this time.

Your Honor, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, refurbished it

and made it "an environment fit for children". Those are your words.

I'm also holding down ajob as a shipping clerk. So I believe I met your requirements.

Ahead of schedule.

In regards to my behavior,

I can only plead insanity.

Because, ever since my children were born,

the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them.

Once I held them, I was hooked.

I'm addicted to my children, sir.

I love them with all my heart.

And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day...

It's like someone saying I can't have air.

I can't live without air, and I can't live without them.

Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. I know I need that, sir.

We have a history.